Attempting to Stay Calm and Steady - Concluding Remarks

It's done. Another personal challenge is in the books. The Calm and Steady challenge I picked for this year was an even more personal one than usual, targeting my state of mind instead of producing output. Reflecting on the past ten months, here are the insights I gained from attempting to stay calm and steady.

 

Calm Enough Is Enough

I keep preaching to iterate, to take tiny steps, and to run small experiments. It's no surprise that I've found it's the same with how I feel. Throughout this year I've learned that it's not about being perfectly calm all the time, posing as that steady rock to hang on to, not bending in storms. It's about weathering life well enough and being more like bamboo, that perfect example of resilience. I came to terms that I don't get there in one day, though, that it takes many steps, and that not all steps will lead in a helpful direction. But that's okay as long as I keep checking my bearings. Keep what helps right now to be calm enough and abandon the rest. Feel the feelings whenever I'm not calm, acknowledge them, know things will change again, and let the tides wash over me. It won't be great in the moment, and I'll be okay again afterwards. Taking all days together, I'll be calm enough.

 

Listen to Your Inner Critic

Since beginning of the year and my challenge, I made it a point not to ban my inner voice telling me I'm not skilled enough, don't know enough, am in the wrong place, or what not. Instead of scaring this inner voice away and pulling through nonetheless, I intentionally listened to what it had to say for a change. Well, when it comes to feelings or such inner voices, it's interpretations all the way down, so it might not be perfectly clear what it intended to indicate. That being said, I was pretty surprised that ever since I started the challenge, my inner critic rarely went wild; it happened only a few times when doubting some of my decisions that later on proved to be good ones. The other times it raised its voice, it had valuable things to say. Pretty valid things, and more often than not, they were actually correct. This was happening in situations when I was indeed missing skills or knowledge. But instead of beating myself up about it, I managed to take my inner critic's feedback as the indicator it is and used it for informed decisions. Like reading up on a topic to learn more about it. 

This might not sound like a big revelation, and yet it was for me. I realized I don't need to calibrate my inner voice as much as I thought I would - I just need to listen to it and then take it as the gift of feedback. I still have the full ownership on what I want to make out of it. I can discard it, act on it, take a mental note for the future, anything. It's up to me. And my inner critic can stay calm now, knowing that it will get heard when there's something to listen to.

 

Wait for the Energy 

I had a guiding mantra for quite a while: "follow your energy". I've heard this one first from Maaret Pyhäjärvi a long time ago, and I made good use of it over the years. Yet what if there's simply no energy to follow? For a specific task, or maybe for anything at all? This reminded me of a situation from many years ago. A former colleague saw me preparing for a meetup I hosted at my company, running around while also discussing tech initiatives, conference speaking, our internal community of practice, and everything. He had looked at me with astonishment and asked me where I took all that energy from. Back then, I found this question quite surprising, given how fortunate and lucky I am to work in a field I really, really enjoy so I also spend some of my free time on it. I often reflected back on that moment, especially during the last few years, when things felt really hard. When I barely had any energy anymore to still push for goodness and kindness and collaboration and doing great things together at work. Every day again, against the odds. That was the time of saying "our team is thriving - not thanks to the company culture, but despite it" on repeat. 

Having changed jobs this year really did me well to draw some energy again. At the same time, I tended to give it away instantly again and to too many parties, not leaving much for myself. I tried to act like I still had all the energy in the world which left me instantly depleted again. The only thing that actually worked was to tackle a task when I had the energy for this specific task. Sometimes that meant not doing anything at all for a while. Allowing myself to rest and just be. Waiting for that energy to show up eventually. 

 

Let People Wait

This one is super tough for me. I am a recovering people pleaser and this year I had a tough relapse, agreeing way too many times to things and constantly crossing my own boundaries. Or rather not having actual boundaries, letting other people eat up all of my time. The fact that I'm well connected with so many people - which I'm grateful for! - makes this such a challenge. I still want to please them all (well, most of them). There are still only so many hours in a day, though. Just jumping to everything at any time means there's absolutely no time left. Not for all of them, and not for all other tasks and commitments waiting. Let alone myself and my own needs. Nada. I learned I need to let people wait from now on. Spread things out. Disappoint them. Set actual boundaries and keep them for real. The implementation of this learning is still lacking; it will need many tiny steps. Eventually, I'll get there. 

Or rather: I'll get there again. Because interestingly, this is something I already did rather well around ten years ago. Yet while keeping people waiting for a day for a response was really long back then, nowadays it's a blazingly fast response time, given the amount of incoming stuff. Maybe I just need to redraw different boundaries, adapt them to today's reality. And not always let my own initiatives wait, I'm just tired of keeping myself waiting. I basically need a shield to blend out anything outside from time to time. Or rather: I already have a shield; I should use it more often. How do I know that? I do have the gift of focusing fully and forgetting the world around me. Shutting everything and everyone off and blocking them out, by activating this shield. That is my precious. I don't want to let others dictate how I spend my time more than I really need to. I don't want all the noise out there to drown me either. I want to reclaim my time. And I might choose to spend it less socially, more on my own, for my own sake.

 

Patience Pays Off

I need time. I know I usually need more time than others, on anything. Usually a fair amount of more time. I've not fully come to terms with that, yet there's also a good side to it. As long as I stay patient, I can learn and do a lot of things. I do need that time though. I need it for repetition, to familiarize myself with topics. Often in layers, continuously increasing understanding. Then I start to see patterns, areas that don't require as much cognitive load anymore, so I can notice new things and strengthen my understanding. It literally grows the more deliberate time I spend with something. I am a slow learner and I am a good learner - both statements are true at the same time. But I need the patience to let it happen. I see that a lot at work, especially when learning new domains, new services, new technologies. I'm trying different pieces of the puzzle, seeing where and how they fit, rearranging them multiple times as they go and show different versions of a picture. At some point, the puzzle fits better together. Never perfect, but mostly better. 

The other part where I see patience really paying off is my physical health. I've had several minor yet very annoying and limiting injuries for a few years now, one following or overlapping with the other. This year, a few topics really weighed on me, yet I knew I had to stay patient and try only very small steps and instantly retreat whenever I overdid it. And it paid off. For example, I'm finally able to kneel again, which I couldn't anymore since February. I know it's actually not that long a time frame when it comes to injuries, especially given my age, and yet. Time is perception, and at times I couldn't really see it ever getting better. I can't say how much I enjoy the newly re-gained range of movement. Well, there's more to regain. It'll come, with patience. It's time well needed and well spent.

 

Subtract Chaos

There's an amazingly insightful short video by Dr. Raquel Martin: "If you feel like everything’s slipping through you… You might not be a cup. You might be a colander. And it’s time to patch the holes." She explains how resting alone doesn't do it if you're trying to fill a leaky vessel. She points out we need to figure out what's draining us and patch that first - subtracting the chaos. Drains can be structural, relational, internalized, and due to identity suppression. Honestly, just watch the video and follow her in general - she has lots of wisdom to share.

When I saw this video, I felt it hit way too hard. Seriously. Chaos is exactly what I've been experiencing in the last months and getting rid of it proves to be a challenge. Getting to the bottom of this, especially when it comes to internalized messages and identity topics, will take a lot more time. Not to mention structural issues. For relational topics, well, as already shared, I need to set healthier boundaries. I have encountered people both in career and community who can suck the life out of me. Sometimes disguised in pleasantries on the surface, sometimes openly disrespectful. And those people take up way too much space in mind. My best friend recently shared such wise words when I told her about a conflict: some things don't need to be repaired. So true. Just like some people don't deserve my attention, time, energy, and feedback. Self care lies also in deciding which interactions I take and which ones not, when to mask and when to drop it.

I need to look out for those chaos factors. Rebuild my leaky colander into an actual cup, so I can fill it again.

 

Add Slack 

I've been thinking about how to make time and energy for all the other things I love and want to do. Some personal endeavors, some community initiatives, some professional growth topics. Because many of those activities will take up a lot of time. How to fit this into an overly busy schedule? I started tracking where I spend my time all day. And many days are just filled with answering messages, fulfilling commitments, and falling into bed again to rest enough to repeat this cycle over and over again. Every system needs slack, otherwise it's prone to fail. The problem is, I've been building more houses of cards than you might be aware of. My last ones completely collapsed the last weeks because one aspect one day just didn't work out just in time. 

Looking back at my past journal notes, tiredness and lack of energy, time flying due to days being way too packed, postponing things I want to do for myself are very clear patterns. I'm just keeping busy instead of stopping and thinking - even in such a good year as this one. It frightens me. Even a long life is way too short for that.

So, I need to add slack to the system again to liberate myself from the hamster wheel and constant pressure I've put on myself. Slack as in time that is not already reserved for certain activities or people. Time that is just there for me to use however I want to use it in that very moment. For no purpose besides my own.

 

My Recipe to Joy and Calmness While Learning

I've identified the following mantras for myself a few months ago. They still hold, so I'm sharing them here. They are quite personal as a recipe to experience both joy and calmness, while still continuously learning new things. They might become invalid in a few months, who knows. For now, this is what's helping me and what also helped gain the overall insights from my challenge that I shared above.

• Play first, work later. Computer games really make my brain wake up, take up space, take me away from everyday things, and leave me energized. Afterwards, I’m way more effective and a lot calmer, for any kind of tasks or commitments.
• Give your brain space. Taking breaks and stepping away from problems really works. Especially taking a shower, and movement in general. It just gives my brain the time and space to digest things and make new connections.
• Care well for your body. Good sleep, proper rest, good nutrition, drinking water, exercising, changing posture, standing for work, sitting on the floor instead of chairs, stretching again, all of it. It just makes a huge difference how well I feel, and how calm I can be.
• Go to bed before you're tired. This way I can slow down, still enjoy fiction, and end the day by ritual. And not just fall asleep on the couch and have my body literally shut myself down because I’m just extremely tired.
• Write it down. Getting my thoughts down in front of me makes such a difference. It brings clarity, it creates structure, it makes me realize things and gain new ideas. Anything overwhelming, unclear, whatever? Write it down. I write to think and think in writing.
• See waves come and go. Whatever turmoil is happening right now, inside myself or outside forces, it will pass. Emotions will come and go. Overwhelm does not stay and things will clear up. It’s okay. It’s just the nature of things.
• Celebrate deliberately. Optimism is still one of my biggest energy sources and connectors with others. Celebrations go a long way, also for myself. So whenever something makes my day, big or small, let me celebrate deliberately and in public. It might inspire others as well and hence multiply our joy. 

 

What's my verdict on the challenge?

My insights focus mostly on calmness and peace of mind. Yet what about the steady part of my challenge? Well, I've done stuff indeed. Not too much, but pretty continuously. I'm strangely quite okay with that. Even if there's nothing much to show. I did learn things.

I've started a personal journal as part of the experiment and it proved invaluable, just as I gain lots of value from running a work journal for many years now. So, I'll keep journaling as part of my routine, even if more informally and less regular. 

Finally, let's look at my original hypothesis for my Calm and Steady challenge.

I believe that learning in ways that fit my own personal needs, every day for just a bit, combining theory and practice, will soothe my inner critic, and allow myself to focus on the joy of (re)discovering knowledge and skills while holding space for whatever else I want to use my time for during the year. 

I've proven the hypothesis when my inner critic focuses on their original task again to alert me on actual concerns, and I've had a good time with what I learned and worked on. 

To be frank, I didn't even remember I phrased the hypothesis like that, I thought it would require me to do more. Yet reading it again, it does not, in fact. Hence, I can indeed say: yes, my inner critic does an amazing job and I'm finally happy to collaborate with it. And yes, I did indeed enjoy the stuff I've worked on. I even did some things that I originally considered for a different challenge, like founding a CTF team. 

Well. It seems - calm and steady it is! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll need some slack time. And if you reach out but don't hear from me in a while, just wait a while longer. I might just have activated my shield and be taking my time to go at the only pace I can go.