Saturday, November 29, 2025

Agile Testing Days 2025 - Taking Things Easier

The last conference for the year is done! I just love having Agile Testing Days as the one to close the yearly conference speaking season. I'm clearly biased with this event as it's been my first conference ever back in 2015 and it has a special place in my heart. Usually, I try to catch everything and everyone at this conference which can go close to 24/7. This year, I managed to be kinder to myself, stay calm instead of feeling I'm missing out, and take things a lot easier. Surprise, it really helped and I feel way better afterwards.

Another specialty of this year was that together with Santhosh Tuppad and Kristof Van Kriekingen we curated the brand-new Security Testing deep dive track for the conference. We intentionally included a whole variety of sessions from diverse speakers of different backgrounds to showcase how broad security can be and where people can find themselves to learn more, and also to get them into contact with actual practitioners. I made it a point to attend the complete track myself - there's a reason we selected those topics after all. Especially on the first busier days the room was full and people engaged with lots of questions, just loved seeing it. Looking back, I'm pretty pleased how the track turned out. 

 

Arriving Early

For a change, I decide to come a day earlier this year, already on Saturday, and it turned out to be the right decision after some pretty hectic, wild and especially packed weeks. Having that one day to just do whatever I want was awesome. I decided not to mingle yet but have a calm dinner on my own, then retreat and follow up on a few things I didn't manage the last weeks, then get as much sleep as possible before the busyness of Agile Testing Days.

Sunday started just as awesome with a nice walk to Potsdam and grabbing hot drinks and cake at a lovely café with my dear friends João Proença and Rita Avota. We decided to keep things relaxed and went to dinner together - right after which we encountered a whole group of Agile Testing Days people on their walk back to the hotel. Every year I love seeing how folks cheer when they see each other again, there's been some real friendships made over the years and it's filling my soul.

The evening continued with more people and more conversations at the hotel bar, catching up or freshly getting to know each other. Just a perfect prelude to what's coming.

 

Tutorial Day

Every year, I pick a tutorial, always a different topic that will either help me broaden my horizon or allow me practicing among peers. This year, the tutorial I originally chose couldn't take place, yet I did get a place in my second pick: "The art of crafting your custom tools" by Bart Knaack, Huib Schoots, and James Lyndsay. It's been a good choice indeed! The tutorial offered both inspiration and also concrete examples on what useful tools to build and how. I appreciate that we got a whole section on building our own tool and help from each other on how to approach it. Admittedly, I wasn't on my best that day - yet this tutorial also helped me reflect why that might be and what I would need to get back in a better spot. What I appreciated the most from facilitator side is that all of them faced hiccups during the day when presenting, and they were open and vulnerable about it. They shared their feelings when they were frustrated or nervous and helped each other out to get back on track - leading by example.

After the tutorial, the conference was officially opened. Santhosh Tuppad gave the first keynote on "Simplify to Amplify: How Slow Living Enriched My Soul". He reminded us on how much anxiety we can build up when we keep running - yet for what? Slowing down can help us actually live our lives and focus on what's important to us.

Post by @lisihocke@mastodon.social
View on Mastodon

After the keynote, it was time for a photo session with all speakers on stage, and right afterwards we went for the speakers dinner. This year, we had a lovely new restaurant to spoil us with lots of awesome treats. Absolutely enjoyed my time with my fellow speakers, and also connecting with folks I haven't met before. I'm really grateful for such a generous start into the conference. Afterwards, I managed to instantly go up to my room instead of keeping socializing - a great idea to preserve my energy better than last years.

 

Conference Day 1

The first conference day usually starts earlier for me as this is my chance to catch a lean coffee session - the following days I would already be too tired for it. So here's how it went.

  • Lean coffee with Ashley Hunsberger and Lisa Crispin. I just love lean coffee as a format to gather and discuss topics that are most important to the people who are present at that moment in time. This time as well, we had lots of interesting topics to talk about, like how to convince folks to give open space conferences a try, how to implement consumer-driven contract tests, what to do after being laid off. My own topic was voted on as well: what’s one security issue you see over and over again? Lots of familiar issues were gathered, from plain text passwords being transmitted over the wire or committed to version control, to default passwords and configurations opening doors to attackers, to lack of authentication and authorization in way too many places.
  • Keynote "AI-Driven Quality Engineering" by Jonathon Wright. While I usually take sketchnotes for talks I attend live at on-site conferences, for this one I took it easy and preserved my energy.
  •  "How Accessibility is Security" by Ina Tsvetkova and Jaunita Flessas. I love how both speakers demonstrated how to make talks more accessible by activating live captions. Very on point for the talk! I really appreciate these two to be the first ones to not only talk about usable security, but really combining accessibility and security issues which ultimately raised the need for security by inclusion. This talk triggered lots of thoughts for me to think about and also things I can take right back to work with me to check for and raise awareness.
    Post by @lisihocke@mastodon.social
    View on Mastodon
  • "Dark OSINT: I know where you live" by Kristof Van Kriekingen. This talk was just a perfect case of leaving people appropriately and properly scared. And at the same time massively inspired in what good we can do in the world with our current skill set. Amazing delivery as well! Absolutely loved it. I had a sneak peek of this session already at this year's Open Security Conference, yet being a co-organizer I couldn't fully focus on it - no problem this time!
    Post by @lisihocke@mastodon.social
    View on Mastodon
  • Keynote "Testing Transparently" by Elizabeth Zagroba and James Lyndsay. A very special keynote which didn't waste any time to get to the gist of it: live testing on stage. I loved the energy of both of them together, demonstrating how things can look like as a tangible example we're too often missing out on. Very happy about this being a keynote - as more people need to get inspired by how pairing can uncover a lot of useful feedback in a short timeframe.
    Post by @lisihocke@mastodon.social
    View on Mastodon
  • Workshop "Start Hacking Today (For Beginners)" by Anass Ahmed Ali. Anass had a really nice pace for people who are just starting out in tech and specifically security. I really like he didn't assume technical literacy or a specific level of knowledge. He introduced us to breaking into systems using the very accessible analogy of a house, and demonstrated approaches to learn more and find ways into this system. The workshop paved the way for people to practice on their own afterwards, and also to get an impression on what malicious actors might do so we can detect their activities.
  • Keynote "The Agentic AI World is Already Here... Are You Ready?" by Martin Hynie. Martin shared a true story from his journey with AI systems and LLMs in specific, what to look out for and what to focus on. It's always good to learn about real-life examples like this.
    Post by @lisihocke@mastodon.social
    View on Mastodon

During the evening of the first conference day, it's usually dinner and party time. This time, I took it easier as well, and opted in for an alternative program: a calm dinner at a restaurant outside the venue with a small group. Absolutely lovely and recharging my batteries. Once we returned, the party was still on, and I enjoyed lots of smaller conversations with various folks in the calmer hallway. A very special bonus for these evenings are the ATD Late Night Munchies - a Snack Exchange initiated and facilitated by Sophie Küster. She encouraged participants to contribute by bringing sweets and savory treats from wherever region they came from and enjoy each other's delicacies together. Just brilliantly wonderful. 

 

Conference Day 2

The second day was on. Being pretty tired already, and remembering my goal to take things easier this year, I decided to skip the morning keynote and rather catch more sleep. The good thing is, that certain talks like all keynotes had been recorded and with the online pass we can still watch them within the next six months.

After the formal program there was time for a short dinner, and then evening sessions already started. I chose to go to the Open Space hosted by Alex Schladebeck and João Proença. I love open spaces and really appreciate that this was an option to integrate it into a very busy conference program. At first, I thought I wouldn't have the energy to propose a session myself. Yet when attending Anass' hacking workshop yesterday, I decided to give it a go and suggest my "Capture the Flag Together" session for beginners to offer people a practice option to take their first steps on security / penetration testing to get into a system and find secrets (aka "flags") that we're not supposed to see. All that in a collaborative manner as an ensemble, bringing in all our knowledge and trying out our ideas together. People came indeed and we spent the open space seeing how far we could get. Unfortunately, the time slot at hand was rather short, so I couldn't see any other sessions.

Nonetheless, I spent the rest of the evening with lots of conversations with lots of amazing folks - as usual, gaining new inspiration from experience exchange on basically everything. Definitely one of the best parts and main arguments to go to an on-site conference that intentionally gives space for this to happen.


Conference Day 3

The final conference day arrived. Being really tired by now, I decided to repeat what helped me the day before and skip the morning keynote.

  • Workshop "API Hacking using GPTs" by Santhosh Tuppad. He introduced the audience to API security testing in general and the impact security flaws can have. Afterwards, Santhosh demonstrated how AI tooling can help with API testing and security in specifics.
  • Keynote "Orchestrating Chaos Into a Symphony" by Rachel Kibler. I loved Rachel's stage presence and way of delivery! True keynote speaker. She dropped lots of insights and wisdom, combined with real stories. I really liked how the transformation at her company revealed tangible advice for everyone who wants to affect change.
    Post by @lisihocke@mastodon.social
    View on Mastodon
  • Workshop "Threat Modelling Workshop for QA Heroes" by Giancarlo Cordero Ortiz. It was interesting to learn how threat modeling is done at SAP. Giancarlo pointed out lots of aspects what helps and what hinders based on his experience, and how testing and quality folks are well-equipped for this and also needed at the table.
  • Keynote "Unlearning A.I." by Pradeep Soundararajan. Pradeep explained how he feels like an old man when hearing the same stories and seeing the same things happening over and over again in the industry. He shared observations on what people do and don't do and why it can be problematic. He applied the same for AI tooling and encouraged people to unlearn how to approach such new things to give ourselves a fresh perspective on them.
    Post by @lisihocke@mastodon.social
    View on Mastodon
  • "ATD’s NEXT Keynote Casting". This bonus session allowed folks who applied for a keynote at Agile Testing Days 2026 to pitch their idea. We heard from ten awesome people what they had in mind and then the audience got to vote for their favorite. We had a clear winner: huge congratulations to Clare Norman for an outstanding pitch of rethinking user situations and system errors - I can't wait to see this on the keynote stage next year! 

While the conference was officially over, of course people kept going during the evening. For one more time, a group of folks decided to go outside and enjoy a dinner at a nice restaurant together. More stories shared, a lot more laughter, so much community spirit. Once back at the hotel, we enjoyed those last moments of togetherness until the very end.

 

Time to Go Home

The time came to say goodbye and depart. Lucky me that I met Gabrijela Hladnik and Anna Bommas in the hotel lobby and we spontaneously decided to share our trip to Berlin. More time for further exchange! Just love it when this happens. There's usually never enough time to speak with everyone you want to speak with during Agile Testing Days, no matter how long the conference is. So these little coincidences and opportunities are just perfect to seize. Just like the lunch table you join and encounter a conversation on neurodiversity you absolutely appreciate to listen to and share experiences on. Like the late-night evening talk about nerdy hobbies and side projects. Like meeting other souls you meet for the first time and discover you share so much with and who can understand you pretty quickly this way. Like having a very dear friend precisely knowing what you'll have for dinner at a specific restaurant, because of course you do. 

I did take things easier this year. Nonetheless, I came home with a bunch of things to try and think about, renewed and new connections, and a lot of love for this very unique conference in my heart. Huge thanks to everyone for making this special place so special - with the amazing organizers leading the way. See you all next year!

Post by @lisihocke@mastodon.social
View on Mastodon

Saturday, November 22, 2025

BSides Munich 2025 - On First Times

I've been to BSides Munich for the last three years, and it's been a pleasure each time. So while it wasn't my first time to attend the conference, there were other first times to be celebrated. It's been my first time giving a workshop at a security conference. It's been my first time as a session chair for speakers. It's been my first time that I've been together with the other half of my team at a conference. And for one of them it's even been their very first conference! That alone is already making my year. Especially as that specific teammate dove into the full experience, connecting with folks, joining a dinner group in the evening, exchanging experience. Just love it when good things happen.

 

Workshop Day

My day started out with meeting some known and new people on my way to the venue (we all ended up at a slightly wrong address at first, which was rather a connecting experience). On entering the (actual) building, there were more folks to greet. Some from other conferences, some from BSides Munich the last years. Grabbing a quick breakfast, it was time to start learning together.

In the morning, I joined the half day workshop "Cloud-Native Chaos: Hacking CI/CD and Cloud Environments" by Samuel Hopstock and Daniel Schwendner. This was a  really cool session and an actual workshop, fully hands-on and even exploratory! I know it's literally in the name of a "workshop", yet at times they end up as lectures instead of actual interactive hands-on learning sessions. So this was a really nice experience. We formed a group of three to tackle our task: given a practice app, gain full access to the Kubernetes cluster it's running on. The challenge was on! I loved that we had decent time to really try ourselves, not too many spoilers but help when needed. Perfect combination. I'm not going to spoil this workshop and the attack path we discovered, yet we could really make use of leftovers, misconfigurations, and oversights all the way. It was very interesting to see for myself how easy it can be to escape a Docker container to the host. It's different to know about it theoretically and to actually see it and especially to do it yourself. Another aha moment for me was to learn how to upgrade a non-interactive reverse shell to an interactive one - super useful for my next CTF sessions. 

After great conversations over lunch, it was time for the afternoon workshops. First, I joined "Developing Universal AI Agents for Static Code Analysis via MCP" by Sunil Kumar. My own workshop had been moved to a later slot and this one was the only session fitting in before. Good thing it was also on a topic I know I need to learn more about. Admittedly, I couldn't fully focus with my own workshop coming up right afterwards, yet it did showcase how MCP servers are built and configured, and demonstrated how they could be used afterwards. More to dive into for sure.

Then it was time for my own workshop "Secure Development Lifecycle Applied - How to Make Things a Bit More Secure than Yesterday Every Day". It was not set up for a good start - there was no break scheduled in between the two workshops, and people joining both definitely needed some time to breathe. To add to this, I learned about yet another scenario how things can go wrong when presenting. This time, the projector and my laptop both decided to connect shortly at first, but when I attempted to mirror the screen instead of extending it they said enough is enough - we're not working together any longer. Luckily, it's not my first rodeo so it didn't bother me (what a nice surprise to be calm for change), plus showing my screen was anyways only a nice bonus for my workshop. We found a quick solution, and once people were back from their break we could finally start. But well, that definitely cut as around 15min from the already short time. People told me afterwards they definitely wanted more time, it was flying for them! They had fun trying their hands on the exercises and there was more to explore. While some things are not in my hands, I'm taking this as a very positive signal.

Post by @lisihocke@mastodon.social
View on Mastodon

The workshops were done and yet not everyone was ready to call it a day. My dear CTF team Mireia Cano and Martin Schmidt, one of my colleagues and I all headed for dinner to extend the conversations and have a nice conclusion for the day. 

 

Conference Day

Already at the beginning of the day, I've met many familiar faces and we all prepared together for a busy day ahead full of talks, conversations and insights. Here are the sessions I attended.

For two of these talks, I've also had the honor to support as session host. I tried to find the speakers already beforehand, yet I didn't spot them in the crowd. This meant we could only check in shortly before their talk on what they needed regarding setup, timekeeping, introduction and so on. And then it was already on! Welcoming the audience to the room, having them seated, getting their attention, and having them cheer. Welcoming the speakers to the stage, getting them briefly introduced and then out of their way. During the talk, keeping track of time and signaling notes according to speaker needs. Afterwards, coordinating questions from the crowd, ensuring the program schedule can be maintained. Thanking the speakers, making sure they got what they needed. And a few more things, huge kudos to BSides Munich organizers for preparing a comprehensive cheat sheet upfront for session chairs! They also went the extra mile and prepared both bio notes for the speaker introduction as well as potential fallback questions for each talk in case the audience wasn't ready to engage. All this went pretty well. Once again I found myself in a situation where I was glad to have been doing public speaking engagements for so many years by now, and where the respective skills gained really pay off.

The additional challenge I had: how to do sketchnotes while also being a session chair? Well, I dared to go full in, and it did turn out to be pretty stressful. I also missed parts of the talks and my sketchnotes don't do them justice. But well, I learned that's part of doing sketchnotes anyways. There are constraints and you have to live with them. Whatever you have on paper in the end you have, whatever you didn't note you didn't. It's a perception and interpretation of the talk anyways and you just do what you can do in the specific moment. I also learned over the years that I'm doing this, that no matter whether I like how a specific sketchnote turned out or not, it might still help others and it's usually appreciated by speakers. So I'm sharing them anyways.

The conference day was over super fast, with the packed schedule and lots of conversations and also duties to fulfill. Also on this day, not everyone was ready to leave just yet and instead hang around and stayed for a while, still enjoying each other's company. 

Then it was time to join the organizers and my fellow speakers to go to the speakers dinner. We concluded the day with a really delicious meal among great people. We made new connections, we exchanged our favorite licorice products, conference venue struggles, insights on local security communities, and much more. As you do.

Thank you everyone for making this yet another great conference! Won't be my last BSides Munich for sure.

Post by @lisihocke@mastodon.social
View on Mastodon

Tuesday, November 11, 2025

Attempting to Stay Calm and Steady - Concluding Remarks

It's done. Another personal challenge is in the books. The Calm and Steady challenge I picked for this year was an even more personal one than usual, targeting my state of mind instead of producing output. Reflecting on the past ten months, here are the insights I gained from attempting to stay calm and steady.

 

Calm Enough Is Enough

I keep preaching to iterate, to take tiny steps, and to run small experiments. It's no surprise that I've found it's the same with how I feel. Throughout this year I've learned that it's not about being perfectly calm all the time, posing as that steady rock to hang on to, not bending in storms. It's about weathering life well enough and being more like bamboo, that perfect example of resilience. I came to terms that I don't get there in one day, though, that it takes many steps, and that not all steps will lead in a helpful direction. But that's okay as long as I keep checking my bearings. Keep what helps right now to be calm enough and abandon the rest. Feel the feelings whenever I'm not calm, acknowledge them, know things will change again, and let the tides wash over me. It won't be great in the moment, and I'll be okay again afterwards. Taking all days together, I'll be calm enough.

 

Listen to Your Inner Critic

Since beginning of the year and my challenge, I made it a point not to ban my inner voice telling me I'm not skilled enough, don't know enough, am in the wrong place, or what not. Instead of scaring this inner voice away and pulling through nonetheless, I intentionally listened to what it had to say for a change. Well, when it comes to feelings or such inner voices, it's interpretations all the way down, so it might not be perfectly clear what it intended to indicate. That being said, I was pretty surprised that ever since I started the challenge, my inner critic rarely went wild; it happened only a few times when doubting some of my decisions that later on proved to be good ones. The other times it raised its voice, it had valuable things to say. Pretty valid things, and more often than not, they were actually correct. This was happening in situations when I was indeed missing skills or knowledge. But instead of beating myself up about it, I managed to take my inner critic's feedback as the indicator it is and used it for informed decisions. Like reading up on a topic to learn more about it. 

This might not sound like a big revelation, and yet it was for me. I realized I don't need to calibrate my inner voice as much as I thought I would - I just need to listen to it and then take it as the gift of feedback. I still have the full ownership on what I want to make out of it. I can discard it, act on it, take a mental note for the future, anything. It's up to me. And my inner critic can stay calm now, knowing that it will get heard when there's something to listen to.

 

Wait for the Energy 

I had a guiding mantra for quite a while: "follow your energy". I've heard this one first from Maaret Pyhäjärvi a long time ago, and I made good use of it over the years. Yet what if there's simply no energy to follow? For a specific task, or maybe for anything at all? This reminded me of a situation from many years ago. A former colleague saw me preparing for a meetup I hosted at my company, running around while also discussing tech initiatives, conference speaking, our internal community of practice, and everything. He had looked at me with astonishment and asked me where I took all that energy from. Back then, I found this question quite surprising, given how fortunate and lucky I am to work in a field I really, really enjoy so I also spend some of my free time on it. I often reflected back on that moment, especially during the last few years, when things felt really hard. When I barely had any energy anymore to still push for goodness and kindness and collaboration and doing great things together at work. Every day again, against the odds. That was the time of saying "our team is thriving - not thanks to the company culture, but despite it" on repeat. 

Having changed jobs this year really did me well to draw some energy again. At the same time, I tended to give it away instantly again and to too many parties, not leaving much for myself. I tried to act like I still had all the energy in the world which left me instantly depleted again. The only thing that actually worked was to tackle a task when I had the energy for this specific task. Sometimes that meant not doing anything at all for a while. Allowing myself to rest and just be. Waiting for that energy to show up eventually. 

 

Let People Wait

This one is super tough for me. I am a recovering people pleaser and this year I had a tough relapse, agreeing way too many times to things and constantly crossing my own boundaries. Or rather not having actual boundaries, letting other people eat up all of my time. The fact that I'm well connected with so many people - which I'm grateful for! - makes this such a challenge. I still want to please them all (well, most of them). There are still only so many hours in a day, though. Just jumping to everything at any time means there's absolutely no time left. Not for all of them, and not for all other tasks and commitments waiting. Let alone myself and my own needs. Nada. I learned I need to let people wait from now on. Spread things out. Disappoint them. Set actual boundaries and keep them for real. The implementation of this learning is still lacking; it will need many tiny steps. Eventually, I'll get there. 

Or rather: I'll get there again. Because interestingly, this is something I already did rather well around ten years ago. Yet while keeping people waiting for a day for a response was really long back then, nowadays it's a blazingly fast response time, given the amount of incoming stuff. Maybe I just need to redraw different boundaries, adapt them to today's reality. And not always let my own initiatives wait, I'm just tired of keeping myself waiting. I basically need a shield to blend out anything outside from time to time. Or rather: I already have a shield; I should use it more often. How do I know that? I do have the gift of focusing fully and forgetting the world around me. Shutting everything and everyone off and blocking them out, by activating this shield. That is my precious. I don't want to let others dictate how I spend my time more than I really need to. I don't want all the noise out there to drown me either. I want to reclaim my time. And I might choose to spend it less socially, more on my own, for my own sake.

 

Patience Pays Off

I need time. I know I usually need more time than others, on anything. Usually a fair amount of more time. I've not fully come to terms with that, yet there's also a good side to it. As long as I stay patient, I can learn and do a lot of things. I do need that time though. I need it for repetition, to familiarize myself with topics. Often in layers, continuously increasing understanding. Then I start to see patterns, areas that don't require as much cognitive load anymore, so I can notice new things and strengthen my understanding. It literally grows the more deliberate time I spend with something. I am a slow learner and I am a good learner - both statements are true at the same time. But I need the patience to let it happen. I see that a lot at work, especially when learning new domains, new services, new technologies. I'm trying different pieces of the puzzle, seeing where and how they fit, rearranging them multiple times as they go and show different versions of a picture. At some point, the puzzle fits better together. Never perfect, but mostly better. 

The other part where I see patience really paying off is my physical health. I've had several minor yet very annoying and limiting injuries for a few years now, one following or overlapping with the other. This year, a few topics really weighed on me, yet I knew I had to stay patient and try only very small steps and instantly retreat whenever I overdid it. And it paid off. For example, I'm finally able to kneel again, which I couldn't anymore since February. I know it's actually not that long a time frame when it comes to injuries, especially given my age, and yet. Time is perception, and at times I couldn't really see it ever getting better. I can't say how much I enjoy the newly re-gained range of movement. Well, there's more to regain. It'll come, with patience. It's time well needed and well spent.

 

Subtract Chaos

There's an amazingly insightful short video by Dr. Raquel Martin: "If you feel like everything’s slipping through you… You might not be a cup. You might be a colander. And it’s time to patch the holes." She explains how resting alone doesn't do it if you're trying to fill a leaky vessel. She points out we need to figure out what's draining us and patch that first - subtracting the chaos. Drains can be structural, relational, internalized, and due to identity suppression. Honestly, just watch the video and follow her in general - she has lots of wisdom to share.

When I saw this video, I felt it hit way too hard. Seriously. Chaos is exactly what I've been experiencing in the last months and getting rid of it proves to be a challenge. Getting to the bottom of this, especially when it comes to internalized messages and identity topics, will take a lot more time. Not to mention structural issues. For relational topics, well, as already shared, I need to set healthier boundaries. I have encountered people both in career and community who can suck the life out of me. Sometimes disguised in pleasantries on the surface, sometimes openly disrespectful. And those people take up way too much space in mind. My best friend recently shared such wise words when I told her about a conflict: some things don't need to be repaired. So true. Just like some people don't deserve my attention, time, energy, and feedback. Self care lies also in deciding which interactions I take and which ones not, when to mask and when to drop it.

I need to look out for those chaos factors. Rebuild my leaky colander into an actual cup, so I can fill it again.

 

Add Slack 

I've been thinking about how to make time and energy for all the other things I love and want to do. Some personal endeavors, some community initiatives, some professional growth topics. Because many of those activities will take up a lot of time. How to fit this into an overly busy schedule? I started tracking where I spend my time all day. And many days are just filled with answering messages, fulfilling commitments, and falling into bed again to rest enough to repeat this cycle over and over again. Every system needs slack, otherwise it's prone to fail. The problem is, I've been building more houses of cards than you might be aware of. My last ones completely collapsed the last weeks because one aspect one day just didn't work out just in time. 

Looking back at my past journal notes, tiredness and lack of energy, time flying due to days being way too packed, postponing things I want to do for myself are very clear patterns. I'm just keeping busy instead of stopping and thinking - even in such a good year as this one. It frightens me. Even a long life is way too short for that.

So, I need to add slack to the system again to liberate myself from the hamster wheel and constant pressure I've put on myself. Slack as in time that is not already reserved for certain activities or people. Time that is just there for me to use however I want to use it in that very moment. For no purpose besides my own.

 

My Recipe to Joy and Calmness While Learning

I've identified the following mantras for myself a few months ago. They still hold, so I'm sharing them here. They are quite personal as a recipe to experience both joy and calmness, while still continuously learning new things. They might become invalid in a few months, who knows. For now, this is what's helping me and what also helped gain the overall insights from my challenge that I shared above.

  • Play first, work later. Computer games really make my brain wake up, take up space, take me away from everyday things, and leave me energized. Afterwards, I’m way more effective and a lot calmer, for any kind of tasks or commitments.
  • Give your brain space. Taking breaks and stepping away from problems really works. Especially taking a shower, and movement in general. It just gives my brain the time and space to digest things and make new connections.
  • Care well for your body. Good sleep, proper rest, good nutrition, drinking water, exercising, changing posture, standing for work, sitting on the floor instead of chairs, stretching again, all of it. It just makes a huge difference how well I feel, and how calm I can be.
  • Go to bed before you're tired. This way I can slow down, still enjoy fiction, and end the day by ritual. And not just fall asleep on the couch and have my body literally shut myself down because I’m just extremely tired.
  • Write it down. Getting my thoughts down in front of me makes such a difference. It brings clarity, it creates structure, it makes me realize things and gain new ideas. Anything overwhelming, unclear, whatever? Write it down. I write to think and think in writing.
  • See waves come and go. Whatever turmoil is happening right now, inside myself or outside forces, it will pass. Emotions will come and go. Overwhelm does not stay and things will clear up. It’s okay. It’s just the nature of things.
  • Celebrate deliberately. Optimism is still one of my biggest energy sources and connectors with others. Celebrations go a long way, also for myself. So whenever something makes my day, big or small, let me celebrate deliberately and in public. It might inspire others as well and hence multiply our joy. 

 

What's my verdict on the challenge?

My insights focus mostly on calmness and peace of mind. Yet what about the steady part of my challenge? Well, I've done stuff indeed. Not too much, but pretty continuously. I'm strangely quite okay with that. Even if there's nothing much to show. I did learn things.

I've started a personal journal as part of the experiment and it proved invaluable, just as I gain lots of value from running a work journal for many years now. So, I'll keep journaling as part of my routine, even if more informally and less regular. 

Finally, let's look at my original hypothesis for my Calm and Steady challenge.

I believe that learning in ways that fit my own personal needs, every day for just a bit, combining theory and practice, will soothe my inner critic, and allow myself to focus on the joy of (re)discovering knowledge and skills while holding space for whatever else I want to use my time for during the year. 

I've proven the hypothesis when my inner critic focuses on their original task again to alert me on actual concerns, and I've had a good time with what I learned and worked on.
 

To be frank, I didn't even remember I phrased the hypothesis like that, I thought it would require me to do more. Yet reading it again, it does not, in fact. Hence, I can indeed say: yes, my inner critic does an amazing job and I'm finally happy to collaborate with it. And yes, I did indeed enjoy the stuff I've worked on. I even did some things that I originally considered for a different challenge, like founding a CTF team. 

Well. It seems - calm and steady it is! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll need some slack time. And if you reach out but don't hear from me in a while, just wait a while longer. I might just have activated my shield and be taking my time to go at the only pace I can go.